Daniel Sanchez: Humble but Honest

The hard part of reflecting on my breakaway is deciphering which of my decisions were successes and which were failures. In most cases, it is obvious when I have made a mistake, but some memories require time to develop and mature. One such decision has made me wonder for months if I made the right choice or not, simultaneously making me question a value that I hold closely, humility. Within my host home, I found that the overall atmosphere was not what I had been expecting. I had chosen this living arrangement with hopes of living with a warm, amicable family, but they seemed to me just a bit too busy to fulfill some of these hopes. I remember on one night, I woke up to use the restroom but noticed loud music and chattering right outside my door. Apparently my host parents were throwing a party. Not wanting to intrude on the event, I stayed in bed for over an hour with a painfully full bladder nagging me, and I laid there overthinking all of the reasons why they would not invite me. While small events like this did not uproot our entire relationship, they did altogether start to make me feel out of place in the house. 

This isn’t to say that my family wasn’t friendly. In many other ways they treated me with lots of love and care, and at times I was astounded by their kindness. A huge testament to this was the food they gave me. Apart from the dinners that we ate together, they would often share some of their favorite snacks with me, including yogurt cups, local bread loaves, and their expensive cured sausage. Although my contract with them never required that they feed me lunch, my host mom would often send me off to classes with little Tupperware containers full of food. Basically, they were excellent at showing me care through their food, but it was not exactly what I was looking for. 

It is also worth noting that the type of program I lived in required that my host family switch students every five to ten months, something surely emotionally taxing for them. It was apparent that they could not afford to cling to every student that passes through their home. That being said, a little communication to my family about how I felt would have gone a long way in bridging the gap between any of our collective expectations. One day, I was given the golden opportunity to present my worries to my host mom. Coming up naturally in conversation, her question was probing but sincere: are you happy here? Without thinking twice, I answered yes, but only because I had nowhere near the confidence necessary to tell her directly that I wanted to share more time with them. My answer must not have been convincing because she and her son stared blankly back at me. She then proceeded to open up about a student that she knew from her job. This student, like me, kept her requests silent, so when she experienced discomfort and bullying within her own program, she never told my host mother, whose job it was to ensure that these things do not happen. Throughout her semester, the girl repeated to my host mom that things were fine, that she was happy. Yet days before leaving her program, the girl snapped, and all the problems and emotions being withheld resurfaced in an intense breakdown. With an honest expression, my host mom insisted: nobody wins when we hold back our real emotions. While nodding my head and agreeing, I insisted too; I am happy here, and there is nothing wrong. I suppose I doubted that any real relationship could be formed by asking for one. Instead I accepted the current state of our relationship, making use of my situation but not entirely capitalizing on it.

The dinner table where my host mom gave me advice.

At the time, I thought what I did was humble – something worth looking back on as an achievement of self-discipline and self-sacrifice. In reality, the statement I made to my host mother that day was a lie, not only to her but to myself. Now I can see that at the center of my response was really just an attempt to avoid conflict. In the months following my breakaway, I have learned to resolve these conflicts by dealing with them instead of avoiding them. For example, I recently caught a close friend of mine plagiarizing from my work. Rather than addressing the issue head-on, from the start, I began changing my answers, attempting to rebuild the entire assignment while maintaining the accuracy of my previous answers. But in the midst of the stressful process, I was suddenly self-aware of my desperate attempt to avoid conflict, so half-expecting a brutal retaliation, I confronted my friend by politely but firmly asking that they undo their plagiarized work. To my surprise, there was no retaliation, and I never had to labor long hours, compromise my integrity, or sever a friendship to solve the issue. Perhaps most importantly, I believe that my humility remained completely intact throughout the process. Had this happened to me last year, I am absolutely certain that I would have simply kept my silence and recreated the entire assignment, but if my past failures have taught me anything, it is that that humility and honest communication can coexist and that it just takes a deep understanding of both to make wise decisions. 

I think the implications of this new mindset for my future will be huge. In particular I know just how valuable communication is within the workplace, and now I can better see myself being able to contribute to the conversation. Moreover, I think striking a good balance between humility and confidence will help me better give and accept constructive criticism, which is crucial when working with teams. Since open communication is so vital, I can see healthier relationships with my coworkers too. In fact, a study done by the Journal of Occupational Health Psychology supports this. Whenever sour behavior in the workplace was met with avoidance, the researchers reported higher “emotional exhaustion” among other negative effects. On the other hand, dealing with the bad behavior by confronting it led to more positive outcomes, like forgiveness between coworkers and thus better relationships overall. Yet these benefits are by no means limited to the workplace. How many times have I been disappointed because I could not give a simple suggestion? How many people around me were left hurt by others because I did not have the courage to speak up? In a more broad sense, how many marriages end in divorce because honest communication does not happen until it is too late? Correctly dealing with conflict is not about getting one’s own way; it is about being honest and transparent with those around us.

Daniel Sanchez completed his breakaway in Madrid, Spain at Universidad Rey Juan Carlos in Spring 2020. Majoring in biology, he plans to graduate in 2023 and pursue a graduate education in the field of plant research.