Sarah Harris: Looking For Home On Hilltops

When I decided to go to Winchester for exactly three months, I did not realize that the decision would force me to take several steps back. I knew that I was walking into an environment that I had never been fully immersed in before. I figured I would make a few friends, take some nice pictures, and learn a few things to take back to American academics. I really wasn’t expecting the silent moments in my dorm, the frustrated tears, and the moments of awe felt on hilltops. But first, let’s get some context. 

Jay at Durlston County Park in England

I won't lie to you. I am a little too anxious to go on trips alone. I fear getting lost. I fear talking to new people. I fear far too much. So, when I got the chance to go to Winchester with my best friend, Carrie, I was thrilled. She and I managed to have very different experiences; I spent a few nights crying in my dorm while she was out at trivia. I couldn't tell you what I was so anxious about then; I just knew that I wouldn’t be able to leave my room. But the times I could leave I always found myself drawn to nature. To hills especially.

There are two famous hills in Winchester; one is St. Catherine's hill--the easier of the two to find--and St. Giles hill. St. Catherine's hill was suggested by another Lander student and just being there felt amazing. You can see the whole city. I remember every time I went I would point out all of the places I had been in the city, and felt proud to be able to do so. On the other hand, our friend D told Carrie and me that we needed to go to St. Giles hill, because it had a better view. And boy, St. Giles hill was one of the hardest places to find, but we decided one night to take him up on his suggestion.

           

It started in the afternoon. We had our phones (fully charged), battery packs (just in case), and the determination to find this hill. I plugged in the name that D gave us into maps and we set off from the dorms. The sun was low in the sky and the air was a windy type of cold. We took a shortcut through the graveyard and made our way through our normal path of Winchester. I remember specifically stepping on the stones on the pavement that were loose, Carrie and I chattering lightly while checking the map on one of our phones. We walked through the main street market: Vendors talking to customers softly, a guitar strumming from the busking area, and the bright greens of the tents and the beautiful blues when I looked to the sky.

A picture of  the infamous graveyard in Winchester

Now, to get to either of these hills you have to go to the opposite side of town, but the GPS decided to take us to a parking garage. We spent a solid while walking around, trying to find any type of entrance to the hill, alas in vain. The tall cliff behind the garage was the hill. The GPS had lied. The sun was setting, but we were not going to give up. We looked at the map without directions and figured that you had to take the next road over up the hill and into a neighborhood.

We took our time. That hill is tied with the Jurassic Coast hill for being the worst hill I had experienced in England. I remember being stopped by a local when we were trying to figure out what road would take us up; He told us it was the next one down and we managed to make it to the top. By this point it was pitch black outside. We couldn't find the lookout point we were promised, but we found a path that went through an open field. For a reason I don't remember, we decided to follow this path down into the dark and into the imposing forest below. We followed that path only to find out it was a shortcut to the park. We kept this information for the next time we decided to go up.

           

It took a few weeks, but we finally had time to go back. The trip this time was done without maps. We took in more of the city this time; The King Alfred statue in the center of town, the river that flowed through Winchester, a bar called “House of the Rising Sun” that prompted an impromptu song. Finally, we made it to the shortcut--yet another steep incline in England. The stone stairs leading up were eroded in the middle. The fauna and flora grew wild and there were fallen leaves everywhere. We took one turn, then another, a new set of stairs, and Oh! That's the Narnia-like lamp post! We took a moment to catch our breath and just took in the space around us. If it were warmer, we could have had a wonderful picnic in the open space that surrounded us, but autumn was in full swing around us. Turning back to where we had just ran up the hill, we saw what we were looking for. The lookout point.

The view from St. Giles Hill

The highest point I had been in Winchester was there and it was awesome. In the formal version of the word, it was breathtaking. It was cold, and windy as hell too, but in the moment, I couldn’t have cared less about that. (How got home) We took a few pictures, sent one to D to prove we made it, and headed home, the long way this time. By the time we were back to the dorms we had decided to split up and leave each other to our own devices. A short but satisfying trip.

After getting back to my room I decided to think more on this adventure. I came to a conclusion. I had the same feelings I did on every cliff, hill, or tall place in Europe; the “wow, I really am just a small being in this infinite and imposing universe.” In the moment, the thought is nice, but later on after being so high it was honestly anxiety inducing. I kept those thoughts with me, and I am sure that it was because of a moment like this I spent quiet moments in my dorm room trying to figure out who I am.

Even now, when I am back in the US, I think about my moment of awe. I realized that I didn't know if what I wanted in life was what I wanted anymore. I realized that I hadn’t felt at home in my own skin in a long time. I hadn’t given myself time to think about who I am and if I was happy with that person. Turns out I wasn’t happy with that person. So, I started the long journey of changing the world around me for the better. Positive thoughts, meditation, learning more about things I want to learn about. Little steps, well, maybe not even steps, more like clearing the way for new steps. So, thanks to Winchester I was finally able to start looking at myself as a home rather than just someone that exists to pump out papers. I just had to take a few steps back and look at the bigger picture.

Sarah "Jay" Harris is an English-Psychology double major. They did their breakaway at the University of Winchester in the UK in Fall of 2018. They hope to graduate in 2021 and continue academics in a Graduate school.