Bongwe Ngwenyama: The Fear of Not knowing

I was sitting in the best-looking corner in my dorm room, willing the air conditioner fan to finally stop making noise. It was five minutes before the symposium was to start and I was breaking out in a cold sweat. Two minutes before the meeting started, my advisor sent me a message on slack with the last of my results. All the information was in and I was terrified. I got admitted into the zoom meeting at exactly eleven in the morning and I wished for the last time that my Wi-Fi would break down like it usually did but that day. But it wouldn’t let me down.

***

I had sent out nine applications to different universities and research groups looking for a summer internship. For the most part, my target research opportunities were In the usual chemistry fields of organic and biochemistry because that is what I thought I liked. I got rejected by all of them and I just could not understand why all nine recruiters thought I wasn’t a good fit for their programs.

 As my last attempt to secure an internship, I decided to apply for a research internship In computational chemistry. I had never heard about that branch of chemistry until I came across the application details for the internship program. I did not understand how it was supposed to work because I had only been exposed to laboratory chemistry. On my application, I made it clear that I did not know what this field of science entailed but I was intrigued by It and wanted to explore it more. Surprisingly, I got the internship, but I missed a lesson I should have learned at that point.

I had applied to be a computational molecular science and engineering forum (COMSEF) scholar and I  was placed in the Pfaendtner research group within the chemical engineering department at the University of Washington.  I could not physically be in Seattle because of the covid19  pandemic, but  I was thrilled to finally be getting my first research experience.

I was given the option to pick when I wanted to start working and I decided on June 1 because that gave me a month after the spring semester ended to prepare for the internship. I intended to use that month to learn as much as I could about computational chemistry. I borrowed books from the library and spent countless hours in deep confusion, trying to understand research papers related to the subject. June 1 came around and I was a nervous mess. I felt like I was not ready, and they would ask me questions related to my internship that I did not know the answers to.

I had no idea what would be expected of me. I thought that I needed to know everything there was to know about computational chemistry and as much as I had studied and read confusing research papers, I didn’t know what I had gotten myself into.

My first meeting was the complete opposite of what I thought it would be. I met with this amazing advisor who spent our first meeting asking me about myself and where I was from. She also asked me about my career aspirations, and I told her that I had not yet decided, but I was considering molecular engineering particularly computational chemistry.  I went on to list some of the perks of being a computational chemist that I had gotten from the internet. At that moment, I was not being entirely honest because while I was certainly curious, I was not yet sold on the field.

 With every question she asked, I focused more and more on giving impressive answers until she let me know that I was not In an interview. She also told me that this was going to be a learning experience, and if I already knew everything, they would not have hired me as an intern. That was the moment it finally clicked.

I had previously been trying to learn everything on my own and trying to sound knowledgeable when what I should have been doing was establishing what I wanted to learn and how to communicate those learning goals. I realized that In my other applications, I had not clearly articulated what I hoped to learn from the internships. I had been trying to make a good impression by sounding well versed about what I didn't know much about. I got to reflect on that, and I started using every opportunity that I got to ask questions and to put In the work to understand things further. I believe that my learning mindset is what made my internship enjoyable and successful. I did not realize how much I had learned until  I presented my final work at the COMSEF symposium.

I remember how nervous I was to give that presentation. I debated not showing up for the meeting and making an excuse later. Despite having worked hard all summer, I was afraid that I still didn't know enough about my research. I was afraid of being exposed as an imposter, but the moment I was given a chance to talk about my work, all the nerves faded away.  I focused on what I did know and what I had put in the time to learn and understand. I was even surprised by how much I could explain the information on my poster and how much confidence I had when answering questions.

What was even more satisfying for me was hearing my advisor tell her colleagues how proud she was of my accomplishments. She mentioned that I had come in clueless about what I had to do, but I had learned so much within ten weeks because I had been intentional about learning.

I now know that there is value in what I don't know, and there is value in trying new things, which exposes me to so many lessons and presents me with opportunities to grow beyond what I think I am capable of.

I went from never having heard about computational chemistry to giving a full presentation to a scientific community. I am still working with the Pfaendtner group as an extern, and I am seriously considering a career in computational molecular engineering. For real this time.

A VMD-produced image of a solid binding peptide on a silica nanosurface. My research focused on using computational means to explore the free energy of this peptide on silica.

Bongwe is a third-year chemistry major with an emphasis in pre-medicine. She completed her virtual internship with the Pfaendtner research group at the University of Washington during the summer of 2021. Bongwe hopes for a career as a physician-scientist and upon graduation in the spring of 2023, she plans to pursue dual graduate studies in medicine and biochemistry or biomolecular science and engineering.