Alyssa Still: A Few Sparks
What do you want to be when you grow up? What are you majoring in when you attend college? What are your plans after graduation?
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Over the years, these questions have often had a physical effect on me, and I’ve struggled to answer them. I have never known what career I wanted to pursue. I waited until the last possible moment to decide what college to attend. Sometimes, I even struggle to decide what I want to eat and end up plugging it into a random generator on google. So yes, I hate making decisions.
Even more, I hate the icky feeling of having to answer a common question with a limp “I don’t know,” or having to make up something to avoid stares of indignation.
A few months ago, specifically my fall semester of senior year, I learned about and decided to apply for the job of line therapist at Project HOPE Foundation which provides Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) therapy to individuals diagnosed with autism. The goal of ABA is to increase good behaviors (e.g., communicating, playing with peers, and attention) and decrease bad behaviors (e.g., tantrums, aggression, or running away). I eventually was able to earn my certification as a Registered Behavior Technician (RBT) after passing the exam. My job was to implement programs developed by my supervisor that are individualized to my client’s needs. I wish I could say my experience cured me of my indecisiveness. Even as I sat down to draft this paper for the Honors college, I struggled to decide on a focus. However, I attribute this bout of indecisiveness to the joy of having had one of the greatest experiences. Even though, I am still an extremely indecisive person, a few moments during my experience did spark some decisiveness.
My second day working as therapist at Project HOPE, I did not have the guidance of my supervisor. I felt alone. Normally when a new therapist begins on a client’s team, the entire first week is training with the guidance of their supervisor. However, I had one day with my supervisor, and then she had to attend a conference. I had a little hope that things would be okay though since my client was also new. I thought to myself “we can get through this journey together.” But, as the day went on, I began to quite literally feel the phrase “thrown into the lion’s den.” My client was extremely sensitive because they were adjusting. They cried every time we changed to an activity they did not prefer. They would get frustrated and yell over any little thing I would ask them to do, and it seemed as if any time I would try to comfort them, it made them even more upset. I honestly was feeling hopeless because I did not know how to handle everything. I struggled all day with thoughts of “I cannot do this.” At the very end of the day, my client had an absolute meltdown as we waited for their car. The meltdown was in the hallway for all therapists, supervisors, and clients to see. Yet, I handled it. I played their favorite song on my phone. I gave them a hug, and I reassured them they would see their mom in a few minutes. I calmed the client down, and I survived the first day. I felt capable. A spark was made.
The next moment gave me another feeling: empathy. Throughout my entire life, empathy has always been an extreme strong suit of mine. I always find myself putting myself in others shoes no matter the situation. During my experience, empathy was a quality that got me through every single day with patience and kindness despite the frustration I felt when things did not go my way. However, I rarely felt empathy from clients. One thing people diagnosed with autism struggle to do is process emotions, their own much less the emotions of others. I vividly remember saying the first few months of my experience, “my client has no clue I am even in the room.” However, early November, my grandma died. It was mid semester, I was deep into my experience as well as other commitments on campus, I decided not to go home right away. I was struggling to process my own emotions, and I wanted to do something monotonous like go to work. I did not expect my client to notice any difference in me, but they did. I remember we were sitting at their desk on a break, and my mind was wandering to the loss I was feeling. My client must have noticed because they looked up and just grabbed my face and looked into my eyes. They knew something was wrong. They could feel emotions from me that I did not even know I was exhibiting. They gave me the empathy I had given them every day. Empathy is such a strong emotion that allows so many things but, in this moment, I felt seen by my client because of the empathy they displayed. I got to feel the power and importance of the empathy I always give. Another spark was made.
Another igniting moment for me was when I left all of my things in my client’s car. Every day we walk our clients to their cars and help them get in. We update the guardians or parents on how the day went, and I frequently chat with them. This day I was struggling to get the client buckled. I finally got them buckled and said goodbye. I walked back into the building and immediately realized I had left all of my things, phone, keys, and wallet in the client’s car. I had to get the client’s ride to come back. I felt like such a nuisance and inconvenience. However, immediately, when they came back, they told me not to say sorry. They said, “you do not know how much I appreciate you; you are changing lives.” I felt appreciated and realized the difference I was making in not only the client’s life but in the lives of their families. A final spark was struck.
When I did not know what I wanted to be when I grew up, I remember hearing that experts say to think back to your interests as a child, and this would be a good start to answering that question. I have thought about that a lot in the past few years even recruiting the help of my parents and friends. One thing that has always resided deep in my mind is the memories of playing with children who have special needs. I always had a little place in my heart that they held. I frequently thought I wanted to work in the field of special services but did not know in what capacity.
Capability, empathy, and appreciation, all feelings that I crave from a career, and all feelings I found within my experience at Project HOPE.
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What do you want to be when you grow up? What are you majoring in when you attend college? What are your plans after graduation?
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These are not questions that cause a physical reaction now. These are questions I can answer. These are questions that spark decisiveness. I want to be a Board-Certified Behavior Analyst and work with individuals diagnosed with autism.
Call it serendipity, call it luck of the draw, call it faith, or call it the power of reflection, but I know what I want to do when I grow up because of a few emotions, sparked from a few moments, sparked from a few reflections that ultimately sparked a decision.
Alyssa Still is from Barnwell, South Carolina. She majored in Psychology with minors in Human Services and Child and Family Studies and is expected to graduate in May of 2023. In the Fall of 2022, she worked at Project HOPE and received her certification as a Registered Behavior Technician. She plans to attend Florida Institute of Technology where she will pursue a Masters in Behavior Analysis Practice and then go on to become a Board-Certified Behavior Analyst after passing the examination.