Brianna Kinard: Free to Be Lonely

Apartment in Madrid, Spain

I set my things down and unpacked. Then I realized I was alone, yet again. The feeling of “I’m in Madrid, sleeping under the same roof as a stranger and all of my family is across the pond” set in and I cried. I’m not going to lie, I cried like a baby. All because I was alone. I was alone in this strange place where hardly anyone spoke English and no one knew my name. At that moment, I felt so trapped. I didn’t know what to do. The driver had let me out of his car when we arrived at Cristina’s apartment (the older lady who I was staying with) and I walked in. She began to speak to me and I just couldn’t understand anything she was saying. I nodded to her, smiling, thinking to myself “yes I have no idea what you’re saying, I hope you aren’t making fun of me” and I walked down the hall to what I thought was my room. I finally found my room after stopping to open a few doors, much to Cristina’s dislike because she apparently kept repeating herself, “down the hall” or “last one,” but I just was not understanding.

I had walked through security at Charlotte-Douglas Airport just seven hours ago to get on the flight to Madrid by myself but I had been so intimidated not really feeling alone quite yet. I was more intimidated by the uncertainty of what I was about to encounter. I felt lost when the plane had landed. All of the signs had been in Spanish and suddenly, I had forgotten every single Spanish vocabulary word I knew. I met the driver and he led me to the car to take me to my apartment which was around 15-20 minutes away, and that’s when I felt alone (besides the driver, of course).

After I cleaned myself up, called my mom, and took a nap, I began to search for “The Top 10 Things to Do in Madrid.” I came up with thousands of things to do or see and it was almost overwhelming. I thought to myself, how in the world am I going to get all of these things done in only five weeks? I didn’t want to disappoint anyone and wanted to come back with all of these great stories to tell everyone. Then it dawned on me, I’m by myself. I can do whatever I want to do.

The negative feeling of loneliness suddenly disappeared and I felt free. I didn’t have to worry about what anyone else was doing. If I wanted to go to the zoo and see the raccoons, I could go to the zoo and see the raccoons and you better believe I took pictures of them. If I wanted to lay in bed and be sad and watch Netflix, then I could lay in bed, be sad, and watch Netflix. I wasn’t worried about anyone else’s opinion because I was doing the things that I wanted to do on my terms.

Close to the end of my trip, my dad called and asked if I had gone to see a bullfight. I told him absolutely not, and it was nowhere near my agenda to do so. He paused for a minute and then said, “You shouldn’t be so quick to avoid something cultural like that, even if you have all the time in the world, you should at least try something different or new.” He was right because I really tried to immerse myself in the culture (at least I thought I did) to better understand the language and life of Spaniards. I had to be open to an experience like a bullfight because, unfortunately for the bulls, it is a part of their culture. I decided to try it and see what a true Spanish bullfight entailed.

Plaza de Toros de Las Ventas, Madrid, Spain

Boy, do I regret doing that. I tried keeping an open mind and kept myself from Googling Spanish bullfight videos. That was one of the worst things I had ever witnessed and I cried, again. I cried for the bull because his life was taken for an audience’s enjoyment. Although it was a horrid thing to watch, I did learn a little more about Spanish culture. The Spanish don’t see the bullfights as anything bad. I even watched a grandfather take his two grandchildren (both little girls) to see the fight. They even brought stadium chairs and snacks with them. I was taken aback, but this was all normal to them. Even though I had to endure watching the bull die a painful death, I kept an open mind and had an experience like I will never (never, never ever) have again.

Having the freedom and being open-minded were things that I learned in Spain, but have carried over into my life as I know it. I learned some valuable skills because I forced myself to be lonely and try new things. Before going to Spain, I was afraid to do things alone, especially new things. I liked knowing beforehand where I was going to sit on the first day of class or who I was going to eat lunch with on any random day. When subjected to the uncertainty of a breakaway, all of those things go out of the window. By doing so, it helps to be able to handle the situations thrown at you on your own, without relying on someone else. It gives unlimited freedom to dictate personalized opinions and strategies for an experience.

Because of sitting alone in my room, being sad, and watching Netflix, I learned a good bit about myself. I liked loneliness to a certain extent because it allowed me to go and do without worrying about someone else’s agenda. That freedom led to a more unfortunate event (the bullfight) which made me really realize how different we and the Spanish are. Being different doesn’t have to be negative unless it isn’t realized. I enjoyed having the freedom during my breakaway because it helped me to be more open-minded to new and different experiences.

Brianna Kinard is a junior Accounting major from Newberry, SC. She hopes to graduate in Spring 2021. She studied Spanish for five weeks in Madrid, Spain. She currently works as a bank teller but plans to work as an accountant soon after graduation.