Bre Butler: Overcoming Homesickness: An Emergence of Hope

Eight months later, the water is bone-chilling. As I step into the Holy Pool of Baptism, my sweatpants immediately grip my legs, anchoring me towards the bottom of the pool. The Lloyds follow close behind, sloshing their way towards the far side of the pool.  As John motions me to him at the deepest end of the pool, a mental warning flashes in my head like an open/close sign reminding me that I can neither swim nor hold my breath extensively. 

John and Fran surround me, there is no backing out now, this is what I flew back for. "Do you repent of your sins and acknowledge your need of a Savior?” John asks as his hands grasp my shoulders. “Yes,” I whisper. "Have you put your faith in Jesus as your Lord and Savior?” Fran responds as her hands clutch my shoulders from the front. “Yes,” I whisper again. And then there was ice – everywhere –  engulfing my body. I was baptized December 13, 2017, at Hope Church in Winchester, England, because this is where I first found my hope.

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Hope may dependably be one of the best tools a student can bring to an abroad destination. To many, hope resembles a confidence towards making the best choices and decisions, an anticipation for future events, or a desire to fulfil all opportunities set forth by visiting some place different. However, this version of hope is nothing more than yearning. A yearning that can infringe the mind and drive itself into the depths of our souls. We see something that we cannot live without, we try our very best to capture it, and we cannot be happy until we fulfill this yearning. This is not authentic hope. To me, hope is more than just a feeling, anticipation, or wish. Hope is a self-actualized contentment and present-focused freedom, found through a balance between mind and soul.

While studying at the University of Winchester, I struggled with homesickness. My mind and soul were unbalanced with one another because I spent the first month of my experience desiring something I could not have: home. My unfulfilled desire caused me to search for simpler solutions to null this longing. I frequently visited shops and market stands as short-term ways of coping with this discomfort. For quick moments, the void was filled with knick-knacks and cheap Primark clothes, but those moments did not fulfill my suffering soul for long.

I was missing something in life that could not be satisfied by desire. In retrospect, I realize that I was holding myself back from finding a balance between my mind and soul. I know now that the reason these short-term solutions did not last, was because I was missing authentic hope. I was no longer living, I was only reminiscing, and because of this, I could not live my best life. I was choosing to hold myself back, instead of choosing to live by my own free will. I was a shell of my former self. 

I held myself back from engaging with the world in front of me, because I was so caught up in missing the world behind me. I thought that finding comfort in another place would somehow break my soul - after all, it is an unofficial rule that one simply cannot call more than one place home. So, I continued being a wallflower in Winchester: I bought my cheap clothes, I never spoke up, I kept to myself, and I observed from a distance. Little did I know, one month into my experience, I would fall for Winchester’s hope. 

The simple houses wedged underneath vines of ivy, the cobblestone paths, the yellow daffodils, the tiny bookshops and live music all made Winchester beautiful. And on the rare sunny day, it seems as if the whole city meets around the Cathedral for a quick chat, a game of tag, or a relaxing book read. People sat on blankets eating their prepackaged sandwiches and crisps. Dogs chased after balls and frisbees. Giggling toddlers weaved around benches, people, and tombstones while playing tag. College students sat bent over their textbooks swiftly jotting down quick notes when a quote matched their dissertation topics. The grass was finally dry, and the blue sky was as vivid as the ink from a freshly bought cyan ink cartridge.

I easily felt tranquil during these sunny days outside the Cathedral because even in little rainy ole’ England, the sun still shines every now and again casting hope into the hearts of many. But the most inspiring place in Winchester is Hope Church.

For most of my abroad experience, I frequently found myself visiting this church in downtown Winchester. My relationship with Hope Church started out as a trial experiment, set up by a need to make friends with fellow abroad students and to overcome homesickness. I grudgingly agreed to my first visit with Hope early in my experience. My fellow Lander classmate, Hannah, invited me to join her and a few other students to check out this “non-traditional” church, and noting that I had no room to deny friendships, I agreed.  

Hope Church is definitely non-traditional, complete with live upbeat music and navy plastic chairs that are divided into three large sections. The church is located inside an old white two-story building with dark green glass doors. I never thought Hope would look the way it did: skewed behind walls of consumerism and stenches of unauthentic fried chicken, simple, and almost unnoticeable. To get to Hope, I had to run through the cemetery path at the University of Winchester, descend through the maze of market stands and people, and cross the intersection between a Primark clothing shop and a knock-off KFC.

My first visit with Hope consisted of some traditional aspects of church – song and prayer – but also the start to great friendships and reaffirming faith. By the end of my first day at Hope, I was taken away, mildly shocked, to a local church member’s house for lunch along with other members of Hope’s student group. The British family’s house was simple and elegant, it was the type of home that clutter would never have the chance to build up. The Lloyds were minimalists in the truest and most beautiful form.

Their home only consisted of the necessities, love, and style. It was one of the most beautiful houses I have ever seen. It was at the Lloyd house that I tried salmon and couscous for the first time, I fell happily in love with the variety of ice cream sundae toppings Winchester offered, and I found my first bit of hope. My journey was not always as simple as my first church visit, I struggled a lot to regain an internal presence of hope due to my homesickness, but I found a balance of peace and authentic happiness through acceptance and a will to live the truest life possible.

Hope is intrinsically linked to free will. Although I did not completely understand this freedom until I returned home, I did develop an empathy for Winchester and my loved ones within it. That is why I cringe when I watch the world news and stop breathing until I see the “person x has marked herself safe” notifications on my Facebook page.  That is also why, when I returned to Winchester eight months after my study abroad experience, I was astonished to not see my cobblestone paths with daffodils. Instead I saw barricades lined throughout the streets, a Cathedral that sunk almost an inch, and extra security patrolling the train station.

Yet, and even more astonishing, I still saw the community gathered around the Cathedral to chat, to study, and to play games. This is what hope is – seeing a sea of darkness but choosing to find the light – choosing a will of self-actualized freedom, not because of an anticipation for tomorrow, but because of a deep-rooted joy for today.

Most people think of hope as a future wish fulfillment, whereas I understand hope as present- focused freedom where we are no longer attached to desires or to fears. A study abroad experience can develop this understanding of hope. What I learned from my study abroad experience is that everybody has the chance to choose their own life, and once we realize that we have this ability to choose, we can find hope even in the oddest places. 

My advice for future study abroad students is to not let preconceived desires or fears steer you away from living your best life. Do not become so caught up in missing home that you neglect to see other beauty in the world. Find the hope within yourself, and you will be able to overcome homesickness.

Bre Butler is an English Education major. During the spring of 2017, she visited the University of Winchester. She graduates from Lander in May of 2019 and plans to teach in a local at-risk school district.